Am I Ready to Become a Hat Girl?

The champion Fancy Hat Girl. Photo: Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images

There are few problems a hat can't fix. It can hide bad bangs and grown-out quarantine haircuts. It can help disguise oneself in public. As my unwashed hair and I slowly return to society, I am asking myself an important question: Am I prepared to let hats become my entire personality? If you too wish to embark on this Hat Girl journey, fasten your fedora and come with me.

Hat Girls, like hats themselves, come in all different kinds. The queen? She's a Fancy Hat Girl. Samantha from Sex and the City? A Horny Hat Girl. Have you ever seen Santa without a hat? A Seasonal Hat Girl through and through.

There is a hat for every occasion: baseball hats, bucket hats, trucker hats, top hats, itty-bitty costume hats. There are giant floppy hats to help you knock over drinks at brunch. There are chef hats for when you need to whip up a quick ratatouille, cowboy hats to embrace your yeehaw energy, visors for volleyball and becoming Guy Fieri. All hats are good hats, except for the pink mesh newsboy hat I asked my grandma to get me in 2004. That was heinous on every level.

With so much happening everywhere all the time, I find myself yearning for something simple, something distracting, something I can point to and say, "Oh, this? It's just my very prominent hat." Remember that one time Pharrell wore a huge hat to the Grammys and it was all we talked about for weeks? I am not just looking for a statement piece — I want my hat to be the whole conversation.

Time is a concept Hat Girls needn't abide. It is summer whenever you wear a sun hat. It is the 1800s if you put on a stovepipe hat. Halloween starts whenever you wear a witch's hat and ends when you take it off because someone was like, "Isn't it August?" Besides, keeping track of time is for Watch Guys. So I guess the real question is do you want to live your life with regrets, or do you want to wear a big cool hat?

Am I Ready to Become a Hat Girl?